It had been an emotional time for me. It took me a while to write about things as I want to take time to let it sink in and reflect as much as I could.
I broke up with my ex-boyfriend 3 months ago and I felt drained. It wasn’t the first time, and I reflected hard about everything. I’ve spent sleepless nights thinking, and I found myself waking up with messy thoughts. The question I asked myself day and night: Why did it never work out?
It seems like a big question to ask, and I’m not sure if I’m ever able to answer that, until I find the right one. But amongst those things that I don’t have control over, I managed to figure out things I’ve done poor, and that I can do better –
Word of affirmation
This is very easy to be neglected, especially after a while being with each other. I used to cringe to cheesy lines, I prefer cheekiness over cheesiness, I still do, but I would totally be more aware that sometimes loving words can go a long way.
I have a natural anxiety for things, I get impatient fast. I throw attitude and temper on small matter. That’s totally unfair and does much harm to my beloved ones.
I should be able expressing my deepest thoughts without fear or concern. I should not tell white lies even though I think the truth is more harm than good, because everyone deserves the truth.
Start it early, over communicating always. I know a lot of times when we first started dating, it’s fun to “not say it all”, jokes ain’t fun explained. But eventually, where the hype goes down, love and kindness replace, constant communication is the only way to nurture relationship. But over communication only work if expectation is low. This could be tricky and require a certain level of compassion and empathy, giving but not expecting the same treatment back, only no expectation can lead to no disappointment.
People I know used to perceived that I’m independent and strong, they are not wrong. I used to manage things on my own and over time, therefore I find it hard to ask for help or open up to my situations. But I guess in a relationship, it’s not all about me. It’s about teamwork. It’s about Us vs The Problem. And I hope I can find someone I can finally be vulnerable to.
And the time reflecting also shed lights on what I truly want from a relationship, besides chemistry –
Not from money/ finances point of view, it’s about keeping an open heart to your partner. Everyone is unique and has a different upbringing and life experience. I think it boils down to the will of accepting and forgiving, usually goes hand in hand with maturity level.
The patience it needs to explain and to listen, without pride and prejudice.
A helping hand whenever it’s needed. My heart will turn jelly if I know there’s one for me and try their best to help me, in a way I don’t need to say.
Comes with clear communication, and trust the other party to do the right things. What’s more relieving than trusting and knowing that you are trusted?
“You accept the love you think you deserve”
I tend to blame myself a lot after a breakup, that I should have done differently. I regret a lot of things and go through constant nostalgia, nightmares and meltdowns. I have a soft heart for love, and I care too much that my heart wrenches. But at the end, what pushes me through is to see the happiness they deserve to have without me, and the happiness I should have had, not to be by their side. I believe to Love is to Let Go.
Onwards and upwards,
P/S: This article took me almost 3 months to write. Things have changed so much now. I have moved on and fell in love again. Like this photo I took – there will be sunshine after the rain. And I’m thankful for everything.